Will You Just Go?

I used to love driving, which worked out pretty well since for twenty-eight years, my two main jobs involved delivery. I was either delivering pizzas or papers and a couple of times I did both at the same time. Not literally at the same time as in “Here is your Junkyard Extravaganza and your daily edition of What’s Screwed Up Today.” No, I delivered pizzas during the day and papers at night. For most of my day, I was in the car..alone…where it was nice and quiet. I controlled the stereo as well as the conversation. Yes, I talk to myself. Don’t you?

Driving, however, ceased to be peaceful that final year of hauling pepperoni around town and became more and more stressful. Whereas before the boom of the cell phone era, you only had to watch out for the occasional drunk driver or the little old lady who couldn’t see over the steering wheel, now everyone is a distracted motorist and I have to spend more time watching the road and less time writing. It truly has slowed down my productivity.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and lecture people on the hazards of being on their cell phone while driving. There are plenty of people out there who will do that for everyone. I’m not going to tell you what to do until it affects me and then I’m just going to bitch slap you. I don’t think we need more laws to box us in and protect us. I think we should just lock up the idiots and be done with it. Who will determine who the idiots are? I will, of course, and I won’t even charge the government for my services.

I don’t think we need more laws governing how we drive because too many people don’t pay attention to them anyway, including those who have volunteered to enforce them. People pull out of a parking lot and turn left when they’re not supposed to or pull into a parking lot from a direction that is clearly marked as a no-no. They stop in a crosswalk as if being ahead five extra feet while waiting for the light to change is going to get them there faster. And then they creep out into traffic on a main road praying someone will surrender and let them out the rest of the way without crashing into their front bumper. And stop blocking the damn intersection!

If we can’t get people to obey these simple laws or officers to enforce them, why should we waste more time and money creating new laws that will be equally ignored?

It was the disobeying of these simple rules that finally made me hate driving and turn in my car topper. It was either that or wind up in jail for killing someone and I look terrible in orange jumpsuits. Behind the store I worked for is a Super Wal-Mart, which only means it can hold more freakish looking people than a regular Wal-Mart. And it does. Too many, actually, and I refuse to go inside.

Anyway, inside the parking lot is an intersection that leads out to the main road. The entrance route obviously had the right of way and the cross street has to stop. It’s obvious to me anyway and all of those who know to pay attention to the stop signs and big fat solid white lines on the road. It’s not so obvious to everyone else apparently and they drive as if they shop at Super Wal-Mart. Freakishly.

As I am stopped at my stop sign waiting for the person who doesn’t have a stop sign to drive through the intersection so that I can go my merry way, he decides to stop. A third driver opposite me just stares at the guy. I stare at the guy. Everyone is just staring at everyone else. Why is he stopped? He glances at the two of us on either side of him and then gets mad because we aren’t going.

“Will you just go?! You have the right of way, you idiot.” My windows are up so he can’t hear me. I switch to hand gestures, hoping he understands my meaning.

Finally, the guy across from me gets tired of waiting and starts to pull out. Now the culprit realizes he has the right of way and hits the gas while the other person hits the brakes. A collision is barely avoided. The other guy and I just look at each other and shake our heads as we ease across the intersection.

We don’t need more laws to protect us and govern the people. Well, that’s not true. We need only one law. A ban against stupidity. That one law, if enforced, would save countless lives, not to mention the hair I keep pulling out as I run my errands.

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