Health First's CPR and 5K Run/Walk

I call foul. No really, it’s not fair. Last weekend was Char’s birthday weekend and what did we do? We lounged around the pool, drank pink lemonade with strawberry vodka, listened to music, played cards and never left the house. Now that’s a nice, relaxing birthday. It’s even what she asked for and since we’re nice sometimes, we gave it to her.

This weekend is my birthday weekend. Don’t worry about how old I am. Just allow the gray hairs to talk for me. However, guess who didn’t get asked what he wanted to do? Now guess who was told he was going to the Health First CPR and 5K Run/Walk? Now you see why I call foul? This is a totally unbalanced system of celebration! I want birthday cake and ice cream, alcohol and cigars. I do not want exercise!

Furthermore, I think it’s cruel to combine the CPR class with the 5K walk–notice I dropped the run part–because not only do I have to walk, I also have to learn something. Exercise and education on my birthday weekend. This is not a good gift idea. However, it is also probably smart because by the time the race is over I will be the dummy everyone is practicing CPR on, trying to revive me and bring me back to life. Hopefully the oxygen they bring to resuscitate me is birthday cake flavored.

To add insult to injury, we have to be there at 6:30 in the blessed AM! Not only am I being forced to exercise on my birthday weekend, but I have to get up early to do it. There is no sleeping in for me on MY weekend. Now, if I am to be there at 6:30 that means I have to wake up by 5–okay 5:30, maybe 5:45? I never get up that early. I have on occasion gone to bed that late, but that is by choice, not by coercion. I’m not even sure if the coffee will be awake at that time. I’ll probably hit the newspaper delivery boy as I’m backing out of the driveway. I have reverted to a time in my life where I had forgotten 5:30 came twice a day and I would like to keep that memory forever vanquished.

I do get a nice shirt, however, with a number I get to pin to it. There is also a GPS tracker I am supposed to wear in order to keep track of my steps. They will probably post pictures on Facebook as they have been doing with that Great White shark off our coast. “Robbie was last pinged at the corner of Grim Reaper and Death Valley.” At least they will know where I collapse and die.

The girls showed me a map of the course we would be crawling and it stretches on for miles. “What are these pin marks?” There seemed to be these special markings every few blocks. I assumed that was where the ambulances were stationed with their engines running.

“Those are the checkpoints where they will hand out water.”

“Water? At 6:30 in the morning? Who drinks water that early in the day? Why aren’t they handing out coffee?”

“It’s supposed to be healthy for you, Robbie.”

“I’ve gone 48 years avoiding healthy. Why do I want to start now? And why am I getting up early to be healthy? Can’t I be healthy after lunch?”

“It’s going to be fun. Besides, we’re doing it together.”

“We can sleep in together as well. Let’s do that and call it a weekend.”

Needless to say, Saturday morning I am walking in a 5K and then learning CPR. If you happen to be in the area and come across my bloated carcass, do us all a favor and just roll me off the road. I’m sure the buzzards will clean up the rest.